I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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