remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
