i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
