i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
