meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dick very happy bro
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
