You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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