new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
