I am puke
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
