So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
