I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I had to cum in my sink.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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