A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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