I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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