I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
