I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
