I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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