yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
