Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
