I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
