i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
