I saw his package. It spoke to me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
