News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
