Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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