I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
