talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
