she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
