She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
