the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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