So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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