So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
