I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
