I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
