Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
