happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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