i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
