Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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