At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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