I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
