Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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