so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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