come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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