I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
