if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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