i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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