bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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