I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
