Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
