Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
