after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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