i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
