Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I skipped work to stalk him.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
