it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
