I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
