I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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