I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
